Navigating the military spouse life – a personal guide

There are two questions that I seemed to get asked a lot as a military spouse. What is the military lifestyle really like? And how did I cope with being married unaccompanied?

It’s a hard thing to say, but most people can only imagine what it must be like to be married to someone in the military. From the outside looking in, the military spouse lifestyle can seem glamorous or exciting, with lots of new experiences and adventures. But that isn’t always the case.

This blog post will try to debunk these questions from my own point of view and experiences. From the everyday challenges to the unique lifestyle and opportunities, I will look at everything from my own unique point of view, and how I dealt with the situations that faced me every single day. These are some of the tales that I tell for future generations, and one of the reasons why I started this blog.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what life is really like for a military spouse, this blog post is for you.

Frequent moves, re-locations & the military spouse

This was one of the toughest things for me. The having to move house every so many years.

The longest amount of time we lived in one place was a year and a half, and the shortest was 6 months. That is no time to get to know a place or the people in it.

I had to leave friends and family behind, and start again. A lot.

This can be a very stressful experience, especially when spouses have to move frequently.

I had a teaching career, but this had to be put on hold for years as we moved around a lot with our young family. I found it hard because I didn’t really have the support, especially when living married unaccompanied. More on than later on.

I found it hard to feel settled in one place. It was hard to keep the friends I had made as they were scattered all over the place. Thank goodness for Facebook!

Deployments and separation

Deployments can be one of the most emotionally taxing aspects of military life. I didn’t realise quite how hard it would be. People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I wonder who wrote that!

The anticipation of a deployment, the actual separation, and the countdown to the return can create an emotional rollercoaster for military spouses. Coping with the stress, anxiety, and emotional ups and downs requires a considerable amount of resilience. I remember when we faced deployment, and the waiting for it to happen. Then I had to keep the kids entertained as well as look after myself.

This was when we were married unaccompanied. We lived away from camp, away from family, so had to do everything on my own for 7 months.

I had to support the kids through it. It has been said that military children are tougher because of all the things they have to deal with. And that may true. But they have to actually live through them.

Solo parenting challenges and the military spouse

As I said above doing things on your own is hard. Is is doubly hard if you don’t have anyone local to support you. I had to deal with my son’s autism, the appointments and the meltdowns.

But I used a lot of online resources, and did an online course to help me understand more about about it and how it can affect children in different ways.

I had to keep the kids busy. Find ways of entertaining them that didn’t cost a lot of money. Google was my friend here!

I took them to play groups, local attractions, days out, and just days spent at home doing crafting.

Building a strong military spouse support system

This was the hardest part of all. Especially as married unaccompanied. Finding people that understood the way of life.

Having a strong support system is important. It is important to have people who understand and share your experiences.

A strong support system can include family and friends, but in an ideal world it should include a network of military spouses and other military families. This is far easier when you are living on a camp. There is a ready made network there for you.

When we bought our house after yet another posting, I managed to find a job as a teacher again, and there I found a couple of amazing women who had military husbands as well, so we could have each others backs.

I was lucky I think. But there does need to be a space for spouses like me to have as a space to vent, and get support. Perhaps this is something I should work on. What do you think?

How did I deal with all this as a military spouse?

With the lifestyle, both on camp and off camp, I did find ways of dealing with these demanding situations, through trial and error, and the internet!

I found a hobby

One way to cope with loneliness as an unaccompanied military spouse is to find hobbies that you enjoy doing. It’s important to pick hobbies that provide an outlet for your emotions and that offer a sense of satisfaction when you complete them.

I found a hobby in my no needles knitting which I still do this day. More on that here.

For me, it became an outlet, somewhere I could get lost in the zone so to speak. It also gave me more confidence to try something new, a bit different.

I did some self care

As an unaccompanied military spouse, it can be hard to find time for yourself amidst all the challenges you face. That’s why it is so important to make self-care a priority and nurture your own mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

Some of the self care techniques I used were, and still use are –

• Reading. I bought some books for my Kindle and spent hours just reading in the evenings.

• Blogging. I started my first blog around that time as well, on BlogSpot. That then became the blogs that I run today.

• No needles knitting hobby. The one thing that relaxes me and gets me away from the stresses of the day.

Writing in a journal is also relaxing. Writing things down helps me to release my ideas and emotions. I do wish I had kept my diary from my teenage years though!

These can have a huge impact on your overall wellbeing. Give yourself permission to take this time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.

Getting out and about

Even just going for a walk, or having a cuppa in the back garden helped me to get a bit of fresh air and calm.

I love visiting new places, so finding old castles and buildings is another thing I love to do. Perhaps I will do more now once the new year has arrived.

Decluttering

Decluttering is amazing! When hubby was away, and when we lived off camp, I used decluttering as one of my coping mechanisms It helped me to clear my mind and allow for more positive thoughts and feelings. For me, it was a great way to focus on something other than the stress of the military life, and helped to create a calmer and more relaxed atmosphere.

Being flexible and take things as they come

This will contradict a little bit my next paragraph, but I will explain all.

Things change. Plans change. As long as I talked about the changes and made people aware of what was happening, it was ok. Some people didn’t like things changing at the last minute, but there isn’t much I can do about that. I knew that as long as I was honest about stuff and let people know as soon as I could if plans were changing, then for me, that was all I could do.

Keeping to routines

Sometimes having a routine saved my sanity! Some days it is good to just chill at home. But on days when I had to be somewhere, I needed the same routine for continuity.

For example, a morning routine helped myself and the kids get ready for school and work, and we all knew what we were doing. I got their school clothes ready on the Sunday night before the next week, and put them in little labelled bags for each day of the week.

Building resilience

Overcoming the challenges of deployment requires building resilience as an individual and as a family unit. Military spouses often develop coping mechanisms, establish support networks, and draw upon inner strength to navigate the complexities of separation.

The coping mechanisms above really did help me. They helped me to build up my own strength and resilience. But more than that, they helped me find my confidence and identity again.

Trying new things

Sometimes it’s the little things that make the most important memories. The kids created a deployment wall when daddy was away which worked for us, but may not work for everyone.

It’s a case of trying new ideas out to see what works for you and your family.

Any regrets as a military spouse?

So, being a military spouse helped me to be the person I am today. It's a tough lifestyle, and certainly not for everyone.

Do I regret it? Not at all. I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through those experiences and learnt so much about myself.