Military life is often characterised by resilience, sacrifice, and adaptability. Military spoused have to have these traits in abundance. Many military spouses choose to live on base or in close proximity to their spouse’s military camp. But there is a growing number of married couples who find themselves living apart. These couples are often referred to as “married unaccompanied”.
They face a very different set of obstacles compared to their counterparts living in military housing.
I was one of them. We lived as married unaccompanied for 5 years. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. The plan was that we would buy a house in the area where he was posted and settle down for the kids future. We did that. All was well with the world. Until he got a posting away from where we had bought a house.
This was not part of the plan. I hadn’t planned on him being away all week while I was in a new area with the kids, on my own.
This blog post delves into the experiences and struggles of these military spouses who are living away from their partner’s military camp. There is a lot to unpick.
The challenges of managing a household on their own
The impact on the kids
How to cope with the distance
The resources and support available (not much)
I hope to shed light on this often overlooked population of military spouses. The military spouses who choose to live outside of the traditional military lifestyle.
The Reality of Married Unaccompanied Life
The term “married unaccompanied” refers to military spouses who, for various reasons, are unable to live on or near the military camp where their partner serves. This situation can arise due to career constraints, educational pursuits, or personal reasons.
As a result, these spouses navigate the intricate web of military life from a distance. It is nothing like living on camp. Nothing. These military spouses face a very different set of challenges compared to those living on camp.
Solo responsibilities, A Balancing Act of Self-Reliance
Living away from the military camp often means taking on full responsibility for managing the household. This includes areas such as:
– Finances
– Repairs
– Co-ordinating family schedules, to name just a few.
As a result, married unaccompanied spouses become adept multitaskers, mastering the art of self-reliance.
I went back into a teaching role when I was married unaccompanied. That was hard work.
I had the stress of a brand new job and getting the kids to clubs at school on time. I had to sort out the drop offs and pickups, and deal with appointments. It all mounted up. I had to have a routine and structure to my life and the way I did things for it all to work (most of the time).
Emotional stress
Distance can take a toll on any relationship, and military spouses are no exception. The emotional strain of being physically separated can be overwhelming. Communication becomes a lifeline, and finding ways to stay connected across the miles becomes a top priority.
My grandparents were in a similar position during the war. Grandpa was posted hundreds of miles away, and in those days you couldn’t just pick up the phone and send a text. You had to plan your telephone calls. The stress of this was clear in the letters that they wrote to each other. Gran had to find ways of keeping busy. I think it was harder for her than it was for him. He knew sort of what he was doing. She was in a bit of no mans land. A lot of her letters are telling him about how she has spent her days until they could meet up again.
They made it work. During that time they had 2 children. They did have a support network as the war made my Gran move out of her home town near London and to a city where more of her family were based. This made it much easier for her.
Others nowadays don’t have that. I haven’t had family around me for years. We have moved around that much so the support network isn’t there. But more on this later on.
Married Unaccompanied & Community Absence
When you live on camp, you have a unique sense of community and support. Married unaccompanied spouses miss out on the immediate camaraderie that comes from living in close proximity to others experiencing similar challenges. While you live on camp, you have things in common with the other families. You know how things are done. You have camp events that you can go to and be sociable at. Though there are some issues with this. I will write a blog post on this soon.
If you live away from camp, it means missing out on this vibrant sense of community that military bases inherently offer. This means making a more deliberate effort to build and maintain a support system, often relying on online forums and social media groups.
Isolation and the Yearning for Connection
Living away from the military camp can lead to feelings of isolation, as the usual avenues for spontaneous connections are absent. The sense of belonging that often comes from living within a close-knit military community becomes a longing that married unaccompanied spouses must navigate on their own. This is what I had to do. Find ways of dealing with this feeling.
Building Virtual Support Networks
In the absence of immediate physical proximity, married unaccompanied spouses turn to the virtual realm to build connections and find support. Online forums, social media groups, and digital platforms become lifelines, providing spaces where they can share experiences, seek advice, and form meaningful bonds with others who understand the nuances of military life from a distance.
Seeking Local Support
Beyond the digital realm, married unaccompanied spouses often make a deliberate effort to seek local support. They don’t really have a choice. Well, they do, but it’s either a choice of staying home or just getting out there.
For some, me included, it was the getting out there that was tough. I didn’t know anyone at all. To give me a bit of a break, I went out and about to baby groups to get the kids playing with other kids. I wanted to try and create more meaningful connections in their immediate vicinity, mitigating the effects of physical distance. This will always be a challenge. You are trying to fit into a new community, one that has already forged bonds and relationships. But I just had to keep getting out there.
Coping strategies for the married unaccompanied military spouse
I have found a number of ways of coping with the challenges of living married unaccompanied.
I have put them into a free pdf which you can get from here.
There are though, some easy ways of managing as a married unaccompanied spouse.
Create a sense of home
Creating a sense of home when living away from military camp as a married unaccompanied military spouse can be a rewarding and comforting experience. Surrounding yourself with familiar items, such as photographs, favourite blankets, or sentimental trinkets, can instantly bring a sense of familiarity and warmth to your space.
Personalise your living area by adding touches of your personality through decorative elements, such as artwork, candles, or plants.
Establish routines and rituals
Establishing routines and rituals, like cooking your favourite meals or having a designated cozy corner for relaxation, can also contribute to a feeling of home.
Make both online and offline connections
Finally, connecting with others in similar situations through support groups or online communities can provide a sense of belonging and camaraderie.
Personal Development
Embracing personal growth and pursuing individual goals can help married unaccompanied spouses find fulfillment outside their roles within the military family structure.
Whether it’s pursuing education, career goals, or personal hobbies, investing time in personal development can be empowering. I love to learn new things, so I joined online courses on autism, web development and knitting. These courses are all learn as you go, with no expiry date, so I can tap into them as and when I want, and there are no deadlines to adhere to.
I learnt a lot about myself along the way! I learnt that while I could not use traditional knitting needles, I could knit without them!!!
My thoughts as a married unaccompanied military spouse
What is interesting is that hubby said to me the other day that he didn’t know how I coped when we were living married unaccompanied. Married unaccompanied life presents its own set of challenges, but I managed to find the strength and resilience to navigate the complexities of solo responsibilities, emotional strains, and the absence of a local community.
But despite the challenges, many spouses do choose this lifestyle because it allows them to support their significant others and be a part of something bigger than themselves.
That is pretty amazing.
I can tell my grandkids one day how I lived as married unaccompanied and how I dealt with it to become strong, resilient, but most of all adaptable.
For more ideas on how to get through the military family lifestyle, head to my vault for a resource bank of both free and paid for resources.
